Finding Freedom

Finding Freedom
by Shiloh Sophia McCloud


What if we woke up today

And the old stories didn’t have their sting?

What if we didn’t resist what there is to do?

And set about our tasks, whether grand or mundane

As if we were serving the world through our tending.

What if we gave ourselves permission to love,

really love,

those who previously, we framed with our thoughts

as if we always know how they will be,

What if we treated them differently? Made ourselves.

What if we did a simultaneous cleansing,

a right of forgiveness…

If we took responsibility for what has gone before

and then choose to move forward powerfully

Instead of guiltily.

We know, how guilt does not inspire

but condemns us to hidden silences.

Let us be honest with ourselves

If things have not turned out as we hoped for.

If our dreams feel dashed or doomed.

Just say it.

Are there ties that need cutting?

Are there others that need re-tieing? Mending?

Heal it, Mourn it.

But only for less than a day or two

Then it is time to move forward.

Slowly, surely we move toward hope again.

So - it is foolish to love again, try again, risk again.

But what else is there to do?

Really. Really?

We are living in a broken hearted world.

Because some of us are hungry.

Some of us are hurting.

Some damage is too far done.

To admit what is, is not to enforce a negative reality.

We have what we have and words and thoughts

do not change what we have.

But we can change our futures.

We can love beyond reason.

We can choose to move ahead with as much joy as we can find.

Some of us are happy – some of us have enough.

We can rejoice in what we have,

Guilt is not the bedfellow of true joy.

Let us be truly truly thankful for what we have.

And when we are, what we no longer need

Comes into clear view. And we can make changes.

We see how we can give, and serve.

Finding freedom comes from telling ourselves the truth

About us.

Finding freedom comes from admitting and releasing.

Finding freedom comes after a lifetime of pain or pleasure.

When we allow ourselves to see what is truly here.

In our lives in the world.

A space is opened up in us when we are no longer

hiding from our conscience, our soul, our heart.

Finding freedom comes after grieving.

Freedom is not free, or easy, or even likely.

Good Riddance to Disappointment

I wrote a poem called Good Riddance to Disappointment just a few days ago as part of the current Cosmic Cowgirl on-line course I am following for 30 days called A Year of Promise. One option of the Day Three exercise was to share something you would no longer tolerate. During the course of my life I often felt like a disappointment to certain people in my life whenever I was overweight. I shared that I will no longer tolerate thinking that I am a disappointment to another human being. Just yesterday I was exercising after work at the park. On my walk I passed a beat up pick-up with three young men sitting inside. From behind I heard a whistle and then "Ooh baby, I love your ass!" and then laughter. There was no one else around so I knew the comment was directed at me and I also knew that it wasn't sincere but rather meant to poke fun at me. I had a wonderful aha moment though because the whole scene made me smile. I really didn't care what those young guys thought of me. Their opinions meant absolutely nothing. It really struck me on a deeper level ~ Why would I care what they thought of me? It is what I think that matters!

Good Riddance to Disappointment

I was told that my thighs
were too pudgy
my middle too round
from now on
only 30 carbs a day

I wanted
approval
I wanted
to please
I wanted
to be loved

Appetite suppressants
like caramel candy
would ease the hunger
and help me get
through the day

No bread or crackers
no milk or pasta
or even too much fruit
all this effort in order
to melt the fat away

I wanted
approval
I wanted
to please
I wanted
to be loved

I didn't question
the methods
there was no mention
of health
all I did was obey

I feared
I would disappoint
if I was not thin
I was learning
fat was not okay

I want
approval
I want
to please
I want
to be loved
these are the things
for which my little
4-year-old self
would pray

Cosmic Cowgirls

During the summer of 2008 I was spending the weekend on the coast with my sister Wendy. Upon entering the Wisdom House Gallery in Mendocino here in California, which is owned by and features the art of Shiloh Sophia McCloud, all I could say was "WOW! WOW! WOW!"

Here are a couple of images from that visit.


I was incredibly moved by the art and journals that Shiloh had created. I spoke with Mary who was working at the gallery that day and during our conversation she happened to mention SARK, an author I had been reading and admiring for years. My visit to that gallery that day left an impression and I found myself visiting Shiloh's web site. This is where I began to learn about the Cosmic Cowgirls. I also learned about the Bountiful Conference the Cosmic Cowgirls were presenting in October of 2008. It was a three day event for women that would feature art and writing and even SARK would be present and would lead one day of the conference.


My immediate response was that I must attend. I would end up vacillating on my decision for weeks. I would question affording it. My soul was being drawn to it though like a moth to a flame. Finally I committed and signed up to attend by myself. The conference proved to be an incredible experience for me. It was inspiring and motivational and I met some amazing women. The vision statement of the Cosmic Cowgirls is:

We envision a world where the voices of women and girls are heard and valued. Our mission is to inspire a creativity movement and provide a platform for voices for transformation to be expressed and shared. Our member-owned tribe teaches and produces educational multi-media events, books and tools that are designed to promote a vision of wellness, compassion and empowerment.


This vision spoke to me and I knew I would like to be a part of what they were planning to achieve. Before I left the conference I officially applied to become a Cosmic Cowgirl. My membership would later be approved after a telephone interview. After a couple of days filled with creating, visioning, writing, sharing, witnessing and celebrating, the long drive home was anything but tiring. I felt jazzed and fired up because my spirit had felt at home in the Cosmic Cowgirl world.

In the months following I would find myself procuring a business license for myself and I would call my new endeavor Red Boa Productions. I created business cards, got a resale license and began to plan my first Red Boa playshop for February 2009. Everything fell into place so smoothly and I continually had a sense that I was on a path meant for me.















In January 2009 I attended a class being presented by Shiloh called Painting Your Prayers with a friend and I again so enjoyed the experience of being in a women's circle where we shared, created and meditated on our life visions together.

The day of my playshop was cold and rainy, and even snowy in nearby areas. In spite of the weather a total of 14 women, composed of family and friends, attended that gathering. Our ambitious agenda for the day included 1) Mandala Meditation 2) Circle Sharing 3) Personal Manifesto 4) Paper Altar 6) Closing Circle. It was an empowering and fulfilling day for me to facilitate such an event. I also felt very present and content. My closing reading was a powerful piece Shiloh wrote called We Are Wild Wonderful Women:

We Are Wild Wonderful Women

We are women of complex deep juicy mystery
We are women learning to love and forgive ourselves
We are builders of dreams and seekers of justice
We are creators of new life and bringers of light
We are lovers and warriors, healers and truth tellers
We are marvelously tender and fiercely compassionate
We are whole even when the past has been too much
We are abundant beings, full of celebration and vitality
We are wild… We are wonderful… We are women!!!

Last Fall the Cosmic Cowgirls started a new on-line project called Sparking for members only. We were invited to commit to working on a particular Focus Desire for one month. Each day we would check in and share our "Sparks" (basically goals or intentions) for that day. There were prompts to get us to think and share. My first session Focus Desire was to have "Balance in Mind, Body and Spirit." I also participated in the next session that was offered and took on the Focus Desire of "Making Daily Progress on my book and deck of inspirational cards." Then in March they began a session that was opened up to the public and anyone could sign up for only $30.00. It proved to get a wonderful response and I again joined the Sparking group and this time focused on "Delighting in Fun and Play every day."

It seemed like forever until I attended another in person Cosmic Cowgirl event which was the Comic Cowgirl member conference in March of this year. The member conference was a small and much more intimate gathering. Here we all are in a group photo.

It made my heart happy to be present for a meeting of the "Inner Corral" and learn more about the exciting new projects that are being unveiled. The Cosmic Cowgirls are launching the Cosmic Cowgirl University and the Cosmic Cowgirl Magazine. There are also numerous in-person and on-line classes and workshops one can attend. I am currently participating in an on-line 30 day course called A Year of Great Promise. My dream is to one day take the Leading A Legendary Life class.

If you are interested in learning more about the Cosmic Cowgirl University and upcoming session of Spark and other classes click here

Imagine A World of Self Love

Being Hot Fudge Sundaes

Here is another excerpt from Geneen Roth's new book Women Food and God. I have ordered this book and am looking forward to its arrival. When I read the first paragraph of this section of her book entitled Being Hot Fudge Sundaes it reminded me of something I had written myself about being defined by numbers and yet how we are so much more than our physical bodies.

Being Hot Fudge Sundaes

"It’s never been true, not anywhere at anytime, that the value of a soul, of a human spirit is dependent on a number on a scale. We are unrepeatable beings of light and space and water who need these physical vehicles to get around, and when we start defining ourselves by that which can be measured or weighed, something deep within us rebels.

We don’t want to eat hot fudge sundaes as much as we want our lives to be hot fudge sundaes. We want to come home to ourselves. We want to know wonder and mystery and possibility, and if instead, we’ve given up on ourselves, if we’ve vacated our longings, if we’ve left possibility behind, we will feel an emptiness we can’t name. We will feel as if something is missing because something is missing—the connection to the source of all sweetness, all love, all power, all peace, all joy, all stillness. Since we had it once--we were born with and as it--it can’t help but haunt us. It’s as if our cells remember that home is a resplendent and jeweled palace but we’ve been living as beggars for so long that we are no longer certain if the palace was a dream. And if it was a dream, then at least we can eat the memory of it.

During the first few bites, and before we get dazed by overeating, everything we want is possible. Everything we’ve lost is here now. And so we settle for the concrete version of our lost selves in the form of food. And once food has become synonymous with goodness or love or fulfillment, you cannot help but choose it, no matter how high the stakes are. No matter if your doctor tells you that you won’t live another month at this weight. Because when you are lost, when you are homeless, when you’ve spent years separated from who you are, threats of failed hearts or joint pressure don’t move you. Dying does not frighten those who are already half-dead. The most challenging part of any system that addresses weight-related issues is that unless it also addresses the part of you that wants something you can’t name—the heart of your heart, not the size of your thighs--it won’t work. We don’t want to be thin because thinness is inherently life-affirming or lovable or healthy. If these were true, there would be no tribes in Africa in which women are fat and regal and long-living. There would be no history of matriarchies in which women’s fecundity and pulchritude were worshipped.

We want to be thin because thinness is the purported currency of happiness and peace and contentment. And although that currency is a lie—the tabloids are filled with skinny miserable celebrities—most systems of weight loss fail because they don’t live up to their promise: weight loss does not make people happy. Or peaceful. Or content. Being thin does not address the emptiness that has no shape or weight or name. Even a wildly successful diet is a colossal failure because inside the new body is the same sinking heart. Spiritual hunger can never be solved on the physical level."

Women Food and God

Official Description of the book Women Food and God by Geneen Roth

"No matter how sophisticated or wealthy or broke or enlightened you are, how you eat tells all.

If you suffer about your relationship with food -- you eat too much or too little, think about what you will eat constantly or try not to think about it at all -- you can be free. Just look down at your plate. The answers are there. Don't run. Look. Because when we welcome what we most want to avoid, we contact the part of ourselves that is fresh and alive. We touch the life we truly want and evoke divinity itself.

Since adolescence, Geneen Roth has gained and lost more than a thousand pounds. She has been dangerously overweight and dangerously underweight. She has been plagued by feelings of shame and self-hatred and she has felt euphoric after losing a quick few pounds on a fad diet. Then one day, on the verge of suicide, she did something radical: She dropped the struggle, ended the war, stopped trying to fix, deprive and shame herself. She began trusting her body and questioning her beliefs.

It worked. And losing weight was only the beginning.

She wrote about her discoveries in When Food Is Love, her first New York Times bestseller. She gave huge numbers of women their first insights into compulsive eating and she changed huge numbers of lives for the better.

Now, after more than three decades of studying, teaching and writing about what drives our compul-sions with food, Geneen adds a profound new dimension to her work in Women, Food and God. She begins with her most basic concept: The way you eat is inseparable from your core beliefs about being alive. Your relationship with food is an exact mirror of your feelings about love, fear, anger, meaning, transformation and, yes, even God. But it doesn't stop there. Geneen shows how going beyond both the food and feelings takes you deeper into realms of spirit and soul to the bright center of your own life.

With penetrating insight and irreverent humor, Roth traces food compulsions from subtle beginnings to unexpected ends. She teaches personal examination, showing readers how to use their relationship with food to discover the fulfillment they long for.

Your relationship with food, no matter how conflicted, is the doorway to freedom, says Roth. What you most want to get rid of is itself the doorway to what you want most: the demystification of weight loss and the luminous presence that so many of us call "God."

Packed with revelations on every page, this book is a knock-your-socks-off ride to a deeply fulfilling relationship with food, your body...and almost everything else. Women, Food and God is, quite simply, a guide for life."

Click here to watch a short video of author Geneen Roth talking about the book.

Eat, Pray, Love