I normally
ignore the ads that show up in the side column on Facebook. A few weeks
ago there was one that drew my attention. The title was The Gift Giver.
I was so drawn that I clicked the link. I found myself on a new
page that described what happened to be a book called The Gift Giver by
Jennifer Hawkins. From the moment I began to read the premise about this
true story I was hooked.
"What
if you were to wake up one morning and find that the person you were closest to
in this world had died? With no notice, no goodbye, nothing. What would you do?
Where would you turn? How would you live? What would you believe about life,
and death? How would you go on? As an accomplished athlete, businesswoman, and
mother, author Jennifer Hawkins believed she had everything until one morning
she woke up to find her husband lying lifeless in their bed. Shaken to her
core, Jennifer struggled to put her shattered world back together, rebalancing
relationships with friends, family, and her own children as she came to grips
with the vacuum left by the loss of her husband. Jennifer teetered on the brink
of despair, until she heard a voice - a voice she never thought she would hear
again. It was the voice of her husband, who in six simple words told her of the
tragedy that would have occurred had he stayed. How his leaving saved a life,
one whose loss would have had ripple effects that were inconceivable. Few
memoirs deliver such an inspirational message of loss and redemption, of
sorrow, mercy, and reawakening. Jennifer's story suggests that love never dies.
That our world is not as distant from the afterlife as we now believe, and that
life is meant to be lived and lived fully in the moment. Her story shows how
love can bridge the gap between our world and the vast nurturing universe that
lies beyond. And that most of all, there can be a reason for every single thing
that happens, even if in the moment a reason seems impossible."
I knew from reading that introduction I needed to
learn about those six words she heard her husband speak to her from beyond. In my life I too have had to wrap my mind and
heart around death, loss and grief. Back
in 1984, when I was 15 years old, my brother Tom, only 21 years old, died in a
motorcycle accident. In 2001, my 41 year
old brother Jim died from AIDS related lymphoma. There is one other death though that took
place in 1995 that also shifted my world.
It is like that when you lose your fiancé, as well as all the dreams you had for the future you
would share together.
On May 7,
1995 I received a call. I thought it was my fiancé Khalid who was still
residing in southern France. We had met in the spring of 1994 while I was
living and studying in Aix-en-Provence. I had been living in Aix since
August of 1993. We met at a Moroccan restaurant that was hidden down a
winding narrow alley of a road. The streets in Aix seemed like a maze
when I first arrived. Even I was impressed when after living there for
over a year that I could walk those cobbled streets without getting lost.
 |
| Me and Khalid in Marseille, France 1994 |
Normally
Khalid would have been hidden back in the kitchen were he worked his
culinary magic. However, on this particular day, the owner/waiter was out
running an errand. When my roommate and I arrived at the restaurant
we were immediately identified as Americans by the owner's wife. Assuming we
might not speak French she retreated to the kitchen to get Khalid.
In reality Khalid's English was not very good, but what he lacked in ability he
made up for with enthusiasm. Back in the states I had previously dated two
Moroccans. My relationship with Mohammed had lasted three years, but
ended prior to me departing to France. I wasn't looking to get involved
again, but my heart had other ideas. I honestly tried to keep my heart
guarded and the relationship light, but as things developed I realized I had
never met a man so loving and open with his emotions before. We were also
very much alike in many ways, which was both a blessing and a challenge at
times.
When the
time grew near for me to return to California and complete my final semester of
university we both found that we couldn't bear to part. We simply
couldn't imagine our lives being lived apart. We visited the US embassy
to see about obtaining Khalid a visa. Unfortunately the embassy representative
explained that he would not be a good candidate to receive a visa to visit the
USA. She recommended the only way he would ever get to California would
be through requesting a fiancé visa, which in turn required that we get married
within 60 days of his arrival in the states. We both knew right then that
there was no question of what we would do. Khalid proposed and presented
me with a ring. My departure in January
1995 was tearful due to parting, but also because we did not know when we would
see one another again. Months passed after filling out copious amounts
of paperwork on my end and he had to travel twice to Paris for physical exams
and interviews. We had to prove that the relationship was real and not
about just getting him a green card. During those weeks and months we
sent many card and letters to one another.
 |
| Khalid and I in Cassis, France |
Finally in
April Khalid received the long awaited visa. I began to make wedding
preparations ~ dress, flowers, location and so forth, as our time frame would
be tight upon his arrival. He wrapped up business in France and planned a
trip with an aunt and uncle to Morocco prior to joining me in California.
Their plan was to caravan through Spain by car, cross the Straights of
Gibraltar on a ferry, and arrive in Morocco for an overdue visit with his
family, who he had not seen in almost 8 years. The day before they were
to depart Khalid made one last trip back to his apartment. On the way
there his car crashed head on into a tree and he died at the scene of the
accident.
That call I
received on May 7th was from someone calling me to tell me the news. So
many things changed in that moment. The life I had envisioned sharing
with Khalid in California was not to be. Initially one of the thoughts
that helped me to cope was that everything happens for a reason. This
thought is much like what Jennifer Hawkins experienced after the death of her
husband. Today I am not always certain that
this is true. A part of me thinks that sometimes bad things simply happen
with there being no rhyme nor reason behind it, and that really the only thing
within our control is how we choose to respond to those events.
What I definitely
love is how Jennifer Hawkins, the author of the Gift Giver is taking her difficult
and tragic experience and is sharing it with the world. I am certain that her book, her blog, the
articles she continues to write on the subject and the interviews she gives will
help others who are journeying through the grieving process and feeling deep
loss.
I also applaud her courage, for Jennifer Hawkins was aware that not everyone would believe her
story of communicating with her dead husband. Fortunately she was brave enough to share
her story anyway. In fact there is a
special note to the reader at the beginning of the book:
I believe these events
happened to me…
And are true.
But truth is a very
personal thing.
And my truth may or may
not be your truth.
My intention is to share
with you the experiences,
lessons, and insights
that changed my and my boys’
lives forever,
in the hope that they will
deeply enrich your life.
I wrote this book for you.
- Jennifer
 |
| Jennifer Hawkins |
Here is an article author Jennifer Hawkins wrote in July 2011.
“On February 4, 2009 I woke up to
find that my husband had died in his sleep from an undetected heart condition.
He was forty-nine years old. I was thirty-nine. It was the biggest shock of my
life. The first two hours were a blur of emotion, pain, fear, shock, and
denial. The next two and a half years have been a lesson in living life much
more openly, deeply, and presently.
In the immediate aftermath of his
death, I discovered I had two choices. I could either surrender to what had
happened, or instead, choose to fight the reality of it all.
Initially, I
fought the reality and life was hard. I felt alone, afraid, hurt, angry and
even guilty. With Mark gone, I was instantly and solely in charge of our home,
cars, finances, and children. I thought ‘Til death do us part?’ Well, what if I
wasn’t ready? I felt abandoned, and could not overcome the thought that Mark
was supposed to
be there with me to help me take care of everything. Deep down I knew he
couldn’t be there, but accepting that meant accepting the fact that he really
was gone. And I wasn’t ready for that, so the battle continued.
A few weeks after Mark died a close
friend said something to me that changed my perception at the core. She said,
“Jennifer, no matter what happens in the future, you will always have lost your
husband. There is nothing you can do about that. For the rest of your life it
will be a part of who you are. You don’t have to ever ‘get over it.’”
I realized with those words that I
didn’t have to act any certain way. I didn’t have to get rid of my grief. I
didn’t have to be anything I wasn’t. I was a widow and nothing would ever
change that. Not even my deepest thought that it wasn’t true. It gave me the
long-term view I needed in order to let go of the pressure I was putting on
myself to be ‘fixed.’
After I heard
those words I began to surrender to all of my emotions, including grief. In
these moments of surrender, there were glimmers of hope, love and life. For
lack of a better way to explain it, angels took over and miracles began
happening. Almost mysteriously, life began taking care of itself. The right
person walked in the room at the right time, needed items appeared without even
asking. It was as if the universe was saying, “Yes, this happened, and yes, it
will all be OK. Because no matter how hard it seems, there is something right
about this.”
Upon
surrendering, I was able to acknowledge all of the people who appeared who
wanted to help me with my kids, my home, my work…everything. And, more
importantly, I learned how to let them help. I’d always thrived on handling
everything on my own, but because of my new life I had to let go of that
independence. It was impossible for me to handle everything Mark and I had
handled before. I HAD to let people help me. I even had to ASK for help. It was
an entirely new concept. Like no other time before I saw that there were lots
of people in my life who wanted to help, who even felt helpless if I didn’t let
them help. So, I started to let them; and in the process I became closer to
them. I really felt their love and energy in my life.
After my world started to smooth out
a bit from the huge turbulent waves of the first few months, I knew there was
another step. I had to rely entirely on myself for one thing—taking care of me.
Nobody else could do that in the long run. So, each day I began to do something
for me.
I quickly realized that it didn’t
have to be anything big. I could make a cup of tea and breathe in the steam for
a few minutes. Or, take a short walk around the block with my dog. Or, listen
to music that made me happy. Or, go to a funny movie. These little ‘me’ moments
kept my spirit afloat at times when the alternative was to drown.
Even now, after years have gone by
and times still sneak up on me and grip my heart and gut like nothing else can,
I breathe and remember to surrender and feel everything I’m feeling. Because
one thing I know for sure is that Mark is still a part of my life. Sometimes
it’s just a glimpse of something that could have been, which leads to sadness
in missing him. But I know that the sadness is simply a reminder that I’m
human, alive and can love. And that reminder is a blessing that I will always
cherish.”
 |
| The author's husband with their sons. |
Her most
recent article is this one published on February 17th in
MindBodyGreen
6 Lessons in Learning
to Live Life Without Your Loved One
My world crumbled when I lost my husband unexpectedly. The
morning that my children and I discovered his body and realized that he had
passed on, is one that will be forever engrained in my memory. At first,
it was a memory that brought pain, grief, and sadness. And while two and a half
years later, his death is still difficult to face, I’ve come to peace with his
passing and have learned to live life well, and even joyfully without him.
There comes a day when every person will face the reality of
losing someone close to their heart. Drawing on my own realizations of
surviving without my husband, here are six tips to learning how to live life
without your loved one:
1. Surrender: As long as you fight
the feelings or the reality that your loved one is gone, the longer you will
feel pain. Pain comes from resisting the truth, stop resisting and start going
deeper into the real feelings. You will hit grief, sadness, anger, confusion,
and many more emotions you may never have experienced as deeply before. Those
emotions are perfect.
2. Know that you don’t have to ‘get over it.’ Loosing them is part of who you are now. That won’t change.
There is nothing you have to fix. There is nothing you have to change. There is
nothing you have to do. Nobody expects you to be anything you aren’t. That
includes sad, angry, confused, all of it, for however long you want or need to
feel those things. That may be until the day you die. And that is okay.
3. Lean on people who care about you. Look around you, there are most likely people who love you
and who want to help; family, friends, even co-workers. Understand that they
don’t just want to help; they may actually feel helpless unless you let them.
Even if you’ve never been able to ask for help before, it is crucial within the
first few weeks and months to allow others to support you. You may find that
there are more people than you ever imagined who love you and want to help.
This is a valuable reminder that you are not alone.
4. Take care of yourself. Once the
initial shock wears off, it is important that you take care of you! Try your
best to work yourself into a new routine; it doesn’t have to be anything
extreme but enough to get used to a new ‘normal.’ Drink tea and read a book, go
to the gym, see a funny movie, listen to music that is happy and soothing, and,
perhaps most importantly, interact with positive people. As you start to
formulate your new routine, stay away from negative things, like alcohol,
drugs, the news, and people who bring you down.
5. When the grief pops up, let it! Feel it. Drop to the floor and let it wash through you for as
long as it is with you. Savor it. Let it tell you that you’re alive, that you
loved that person, and that he or she is still in your life even if only
through the feeling of grief.
6. Find your joy. Whether it is
coloring, singing, dancing, or just experiencing the beautiful tree in your
back yard, dig deep and find out what makes you tick. Then, do it without
abandon. Let the lesson of death teach you that life is magic, wonderful,
wondrous, passionate and simply alive.
Enjoy every moment you are able to enjoy. Live like there really
is no tomorrow, because after losing a loved one, that is the one fact that is
absolutely clear.
 |
| Jennifer Hawkins and her two sons |
About Jennifer Hawkins
Jennifer Hawkins is an accomplished athlete, businesswoman,
mother and author. Her most recent book, The Gift Giver, is the true story
of the sudden death of her husband Mark, and the surprising conversations she
had with him during the year following his death.
Website: thegiftgiverbook.com
Facebook: The
Gift Giver - A True Story
Twitter: @JenHawkinsLight
What are your experiences with death?
If you have experienced the death of a close family
member, spouse, child or friend was it difficult to release the pain and the
loss? Were there things that helped you
through it?
Do you have beliefs about what happens after
death?
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